Guilt or Not Guilty

Guilty or Not Guilty?

1. Dated outside your race? GUILTY.

I know for a fact that there are beautiful women of all races (except for one).

2. Singing in the shower? GUILTY.

I get a bad case of “last song-itis” when I’m in the shower. The worst was when my wife came into the bathroom and pointed out that the kids could hear me singing “It’s raining men”! A second close would be Barney or Thomas the Tank Engine songs.

3. Spit in someone's drink? NOT GUILTY.

And I hope it was not my drink that Drake Cyanide spit into… gross!

4. Played with Barbies? GUILTY.

My cousin had a buncha Barbies and I undressed them of course. Imagine my disappointment upon discovering that I could learn nothing about anatomy from those stupid dolls.

5. Made someone cry? GUILTY.

My wife, my kids, my friends, my co-workers. I just have the gift I guess. In the Navy, it was almost mandatory to make someone cry daily. I’m not proud of it, but I am an Aquarian, so we have no concept of others feeling or our own for we are extremely logical.

6. Opened your Christmas presents early? NOT GUILTY.

I have extreme patience for things like that. One year I stumbled upon a Xmas list of what I was getting and I was sad that the surprise had been taken out of it.

7. Lied to a friend? GUILTY.

Sometimes that’s what being a friend is about. When I lie to a friend for their sake, it’s a good thing. When I lie to a friend for my sake, then I’m not a friend at all. I know this first hand (I reference question 5)

8. Watched and cried while watching a soap opera? NOT GUILTY.

Not even when Bo found out Hope had died!

9. Played a computer game for more than 5 hours? GUILTY.

From asteroids on the atari as a kid to xbox with my boys now. Once you start, it’s hard to stop.

10. Ran through the sprinklers naked? NOT GUILTY.

Why would I do that?

11. Ate food that fell on the floor? GUILTY.

I fully believe in the 5 second rule unless 5 seconds has passed, in which case it becomes the 5 minute rule.

12. Went outside naked? GUILTY.

It involved lots of alcohol, a hot tub, and good friends (a story to cover in future posts!)

13. Been on stage? GUILTY.

Let’s see, church play, band concert solos, and as a lead singer of a rock band.

14. Been on stage naked or close to it? NOT GUILTY.

Again, it makes no sense to me to even think about that.

15. Been in a parade? GUILTY.

Only in band (a coupla stories of which will be upcoming chapters as well)

16. Been in a school play? NOT GUILTY.

They said I had too much testosterone to be in a school play. I’m kidding. The truth is I’m not talented enough to pretend to be gay.

17. Drank beer? GUILTY.

Since the age of 14 until 21. Then dry till 24 (stoopid Navy). And now just occasionally. Hard English Cider is a completely different story now!

18. Gotten detention? GUILTY.

Let’s see… New Jersey, 80’s, Headbanger, Smart mouthed. Hmmm, yeah, I had detention a few times.

19. Been on a plane? GUILTY.

Too many damn times! Like 50 times in the past 14 months.

20. Been on a cruise? NOT GUILTY.

Unless the luxury of being aboard a Naval vessel counts.

21. Broken into a house? GUILTY.

I can’t remember doing it illegally except for an abandoned motel once. It’s okay though because it turned out to be a history lesson. There was a room full of Humphrey Muskee pins in there. We researched it and it turns out that’s who ran against Nixon back in the day! So we had an little gang recognized by our Humphrey Muskee pins. How dorky. Other than that, just my house or houses of friends and neighbors (who ask me to)

.22. Gotten a tattoo? NOT GUILTY.

Always wanted one, never wanted to pay the prices.

23. Gotten piercings? GUILTY.

When I was 14, I had been bugging my mother for months to get an earring, but whenever we went to the mall, I would puss out at the last second. One day, my mother didn’t let me wimp out. She dragged me into the store and told me I was getting my ear pierced whether I wanted to or not! Not many people can share that kinda story, but I’m glad she did cuz it went with my headbanger image a few years later.

24. Gotten into a fist fight? GUILTY.

Been a while though. The funniest was when I was 12. I was walking home from school in a bad part of town when a kid, sitting on his porch, yells out “Hey, you wanna fight me?” I was in a bad mood that day and without stopping, said “sure”. Next thing I know he was on top of me. It turned out to be just the thing I needed to feel better, cuz I kicked his ass! That is until like 10 family members came out and threatened to kill me. That, combined with me feeling better, made me then decide to run for my life! There’s a few more since then, but not as funny.

25. Gotten into a shouting match? GUILTY.

Hello, I am married to a Jersey girl! Sometimes you’ve just got to be heard. And for some reason, Drake, when drinking, tends to turn converstions into shouting matches. But then we realize we are shouting over something completely stupid and we laugh. And others around us disperse bummed out cuz there was no fist-fight.

26. Swallowed sea/pool water? GUILTY.

Hate the taste of both.

27. Spun yourself in circles to get dizzy on purpose? GUILTY.

Is there any cheaper form of entertainment?

28. Laughed so hard it hurt? GUILTY.

That’s the coolest time. To be laughing so hard that your cheeks hurt, your side hurts. And I don’t know about you guys, but I can never laugh that hard alone. There has to be someone else there to feed off of (whether they be sharing in the laughing or as the reason for the laughing)

29. Tripped on your own feet? GUILTY.

Especially when I’m tired I can’t count the number of times I’ve lost cool points because of tripping over these damn feet!

30. Cried yourself to sleep? GUILTY.

Yes. Weird thing is, tears don’t roll. I have not had tears fall in 13 years. I’ll well up, but they don’t break the seal. Must go back to the Aquarian thing

31. Cried in public? NOT GUILTY.

Can’t do it. It’s not a macho thing either. I’m just not that emotional.

32. Thrown up in public? NOT GUILTY.

I cannot throw up. I’ve tried. I’ve had my stomach pumped from trying. It’s been 19 years. Wait until my year 14 post.

33. Lied to your parents? GUILTY.

And I do not even feel bad about it

34. Skipped class? GUILTY.

Of course. Especially my senior year when I left home. But the funniest was when I was in the 9th grade. There is a big festival on the beach in NJ the Friday before Memorial day (cuz Memorial Day is the start of having to pay to go on the beach). It’s full of music and alcohol. And every year, unannounced would be Bon Jovi or Bruce Springsteen or such. Well, I took the day off from school and had a blast! The next day, my Mom asks me if I went to school on Friday. I said “of course, why?” So she shows me on the front page of a section in the newspaper me holding a beer with a girl in a bikini on my shoulders. Oops. Busted. Don’t care, it was a good time.

35. Cried so hard you threw up? NOT GUILTY.

What? I don’t believe this question really should exist in our universe. I say we vote to ban it into some other dimension or something. (I hope I haven’t made anyone else cry by saying that!)