13 (Caution: two F bombs in this post!!)

Hi all. It's been a week now, but that's better than a month, right? I'm in a green mood, so the blog background and text have changed to reflect that. Not sure what it means. Maybe it's like the green M and M's thing. I have been away from my wife for two weeks now!

Anyway, I have been busy as usual in the past week. I spent last weekend getting smashed with Drake Cyanide (one last time for old times sake). I also lied to a woman last week (which is something I've deeply regretted since the words came out of my mouth). I then travelled to Oklahoma on Sunday and have been here since. It also looks like I'll be here for at least three more weeks. It's been two weeks since I last saw my wife and children. I miss them a lot, but we all know this is what has to be done for now. And as others out there can attest to, it sure beats a six month deployment out at sea. The good news is I made quite a few friends in the past two weeks, which is always a good thing to do since we are all the future of this company. It will be a lot smoother since we all get along (for the most part anyway). You guys can't even imagine how tough it is to be a New Jersian in Oklahoma. Maybe I should've started that last sentence with "Y'all" instead of you guys. Sorry, I'm just not up to snuff on my Redneck Etiquitte. As if there is such a thing. So, anyway, all week, there's been this guy who has been very outspoken and picked on people in good fun. I've kinda sat back and seemed passive all the while. It's my style. But today, it was the last day and I showed him how to really pick on people, in good fun or not. He never saw it coming. Our in structor kept saying "uppercut, jab, knockout", etc... as I let loose my volley. The poor guy didn't have a chance. I had quite the reputation on my boat to make over 100 grown men cry with the things I can say, so I know a thing or two about a battle of wits.

Okay, a few of the people did bug me over the past two weeks. A sample...

A guy from Mississippi t h a t t a l k e d t h i s s s s l l o o o o o w........ A couple of times I asked him if there was a speed selector switch anywhere on him.. It was like listening to a 45 on 33 1/3 speed (did I lose any CD babies out there? If so, come on over and I'll play some vinyl for ya).

A guy who was like the Texan Redneck version of a crack addict. He made no sense, was always sleeping, and spent some time in Iraq. Dude was whacked out! One time, I was telling someone that I was from Jersey and he blurted out "Jersey?! Are you the guy what goobled rin by doctim Missouri speeg fum? I swear it started out okay, but then something misfired upstairs, and alien talk came out. So I answered "no". Wrong answer I guess, cuz he just looked at me like it wasn't a yes or no question. Oops. My bad. So I tried another approach... I said " okay, I'll be honest with you. I don't know what the fuck just came out of your mouth". Somehow, that answer was more acceptable, cuz he fell back asleep at his desk after that.

Then there's the military guy who spent so much time in that he doesn't remember a world before the military. Never let a person like that know you have time in. They will share every expounded story with you and it will force you to give a courtesy smile in lieu of a full laugh about every 5 minutes or so. If you're like me, you don't even listen. Just have an internal clock. Nod every now and then, and give the smile every five minutes (on the second). It's almost like listening to a spouse (Hey, that joke is for the ladies too. Like you really care what we did at work all day long!)

Lastly, a guy who is 35 and looks like mini-me. He thinks he's so cool, but he's like 4'6", round like a basketball, and shaves his head on purpose. But he's single cuz he doesn't want to be weighed down. I was always told that if you tell yourself something enough times, you will tend to believe it. Here is theory proven.


Okay, enough of that stuff. So I also talked to Drake a few times over the week. Funny how I always had to initiate the conversations. Hmmmmm.... it's almost as if he has things to feel guilty about. Just when you think you know a guy... okay, once again, just kidding! And I will leave the others in the dark. If you want them to know, then you can post it.

Wow, I type as much as my wife talks! But I'm not done yet. I need to put enough down so you read this until my next post! Let me get through 13 at least...

So I was 13, voted most popular in my class (I couldn't believe it either!), and was living on top of the world. See, I knew that the only way I was going to wear cool clothes was to buy them myself. So I got a job at a deli stocking the shelves and cooler. I was making 3.15 an hour (minimum wage at the time) and could finally not be picked on for my clothes. My parents had a rule for me that I had to put half of everything I made into a savings account. Noble of them, right? Just wait until I talk about 16. Anyway, I bought Bugle Boy jeans and shirts. I bought Kangaroos sneaks! I bought parachute pants and a pleather jacket with zippers all over! I was the shizzle. I remember asking for Kangaroos prior to this and getting yelled at by my step-dad. He was standing next to a bin of sneakers saying Kangaroos cost more than $5 and to get over there and find a matching left shoe to the right that he was holding up. So I was really living it up and doing it all on my own. Then a new kid came to the school. Everyone made fun of him. I couldn't figure out why. I guess it was because they were just jerks. These are the same kids that turned out to be preppie snobs in HS. I hated preps! So fake. But I'm straying... so I befriend him. And in turn, lost all popularity. It was a decision I made and was glad to do so. It was then that I decided it was better to have 1 or 2 true friends then 100 that will turn on you in a heartbeat. His name was Chris. And we hung out all the time. Now that I had clothes to wear, I could spend my money on other things. Like Transformers! I bought a new one just about every week. Between Chris and me, we had hundreds to play with. And play we did! All over town between his house and mine. What dorks, one might say, but to this day, I do not regret it. It was fun . Then came my first almost sexual encounter...

Chris and I were flying our Transformers from my house to his (a.k.a. walking down the street) when this black girl called out to us with a "Hey!". We stopped and turned to find an older girl (like 15 or 16) laying on a pool chair in a bikini getting a tan. We said "yeah?" and then she yelled out "Do you two wanna fuck me?"! Wow. Pretty bold, eh? So Chris and I talked it over like this:

"What do you think?"
"I dunno. How about you?"
"Well, it would be cool to say we're not virgins."
"Yeah, I guess, but what about the battle?"
"True, we are in the middle of a cosmic battle and the Decepticons are winning."
"We couldn't possibly leave the battle until the Autobots win."
"Right."

So, we turn back to her and shout out "No thanks!" and walk on to continue our battle.


Sorry, I need to pause here a moment..............

Okay, I'm back. Was that pathetic or what? Unbelievable! It would be cool to say I wanted to save myself for the right girl (not true), or that I'm not into black chicks (also not true), or that I am mentally handicapped, but no. It was because I was playing with my toys! Arrrgh! Anyway, during this time, Chris and I were also hanging out with a third friend, a girl named K. She was definately nothing more than a friend (my standards were wayyyyy too high for her to achieve). I mention that cuz Chris moved away (his dad was in the military) when I was 14. A very dark time for me. I had no best friend anymore. Just K for the time being. I got a bit heavy cuz I didn't do anything for months, just sat around and dove into my studies. Luckily for me, it was not long after that period that I started to look at women in a whole new way, but that will have to wait for the next post!

So I hope I wrote enough for you guys and that it was a nice mix of present and past. I just realized I put no future in this post! Okay, here's the future... Drake will tell you all about what he did to me, but he will twist it to make it so that he did nothing wrong and will further twist it to make me be a bad guy. Oh yeah, also, the antichrist will rise from a European country and rule the world for seven years (that will happen sooner than you think).

That's all for now folks. Have a great time until next we talk!

B'gye,
Dirty